Conversations with a Pyromaniac
by A Kitten for Padfoot
Summary: Conversations with Bella, Jacob, Emmett and Edward, and possibly other characters. Post BD with vamps. T for language. Featuring OOC everyone!
1. Bill the power saw

**A/N: I own nothing, and SM owns all Twilight characters. I also don't own anyone else's fanfics, so if I'm stealing your ideas, tell me and I'll do something about it. Constructive criticism welcomed**

-_Edward is sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book, when Bella walks in-_

"Edward…"

"Yes, love?"

"I'm bored"

"Okay"

"Can I have a flamethrower?"

"No."

"But Bill the power saw is lonely"

"Bella, why do you have a power saw?"

"Well, it's technically not my power saw… and I don't actually use it, but I bet Emmett would let

me use it if I asked really nicely."

"Thats it. I'm taking you somewhere far away from Emmett, Alice and other people who are

willing to give you power tools"

"You're no fun"

"I'm offended."

"What harm could I do with a flamethrower? Or a power saw?"

"No comment."

"We're indestructible"

"I'm not sure about that"

"If I didn't like danger, I wouldn't have hung out with really strong, fast people who wanted my blood, and could kill me, and you would have been sad and alone forever"

"Can't argue with that logic"

"Pretty, pretty please?"

"No. Puppy dog eyes will not change my mind."

"I'll just go buy one myself then."

"I'm pretty sure you need I.D. to buy something that dangerous."

"I have I.D.!"

"The one that says you're 17 and in high school?"

"It says that?"

"Yup."

"I wonder if Carlisle would buy me one."

"I doubt it. Remember the time with the hose?"

"Yes…"

"And the time with the whipped cream?"

"Yeah?"

"And the time with the exploding refrigerator?"

"Unfortunately, yes…"

"Took us two days to put the house back together."

"That's it. You've crossed the line. I'm going to find Emmett and his power saw"

-_Bella gets up and heads to the garage-_


	2. Cars are cats?

**Chapter 2**

-_Bella walks into the garage, where Jake and Emmett are sitting in Edward's car-_

_"_Emmett"

"Bella"

"What is he doing?"

"I'm not sure"

"I think he's finally gone off the deep end"

"Refreshing isn't it?"

"What?"

"To not be the two least sane people in a room."

_Jake _"I'm offended"

"I'm not the one petting a car."

_Jake "_But… it likes it"

"Really?"

-_Just then the car starts up-_

_Jake _"See? It's purring!"

"Cars don't purr."

"I don't think he's listening anymore"

_Jake_ "Aww… who da best Volvo"

"Wow."

"I think it's crossed the line."

"Yeah"

"Smells awful"

"Eddie's gonna be furious."

"Yeah. What are you doing"

"Filming for Nessie."

"I'm not sure I'd want to know if Edward decided cars are cats"

"I think it would be the other way around"

"Hey!"

"One day naming inanimate objects, the next petting cars."

"I don't name inanimate objects!'

"Really? I recall Fred the toaster, George the microwave, and Ronald the refrigerator, among others"

"Hello pot. I'm kettle."

"Huh?"

"Bill the power saw and Arthur the Xbox ring any bells?"

"They called to me. They needed to be named."

"How do you know that Fred, George and Ronald didn't call to me?"

"Kitchen appliances don't have personalities."

"You're being a functionist. I must stand up for the rights of underprivileged kitchen appliances! And by the way, Edward has banned me from using power tools that can't be bought by people under 18, so no more Bill time."

"Huh. That sucks."

"Yeah."

"Where is Edward?"

"Attempting to recover his reasonably modest clothes from Alice, or he was anyway"

"Was?"

"For a vampire, you're remarkably unobservant."

"Huh?"

"He's standing in the doorway."

_Edward _"What is Jake doing to my car?"

"He appears to think it's a cat._"_

_Edward _"Its going to smell like dog for a week"

"Well, we'll leave you guys too it then"

-_Bella and Emmett leave the room, while Edward drags and unwilling Jacob from the car-_


	3. Candyland: The Bella Edition

_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Candyland :(_

**A/N: When I woke up this morning, I had a review! This made me ridiculously happy for some reason, so I'm going to try to respond to every review I get. **

**jessa76: Don't worry, I have plans for the flamethrower (muahahahah)**

_**Chapter 3**_

_-Jake is reading a magazine in the living room, when Emmett walks in carrying a board game-_

"Hi dog"

"Hi Emmett."

"I'm bored."

"Find Bella."

"She's playing chess with Jasper."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's quite amusing. Jasper spends 10 minutes thinking up the perfect strategy, then Bella makes some completely random move that manages to completely mess him up."

"That sounds like Bella"

"Yeah. It's one of her talents. Speaking of games, will you play Candyland with me?"

"Isn't that a game for three year olds?"

"Yeah. Thats why I chose it. You have the approximate intelligence of a three year old."

"Hey!"

"Sorry. Besides, it's Bella-fied Candyland."

"Oh… so triple the violence and character deaths?"

"And lots of added rules that make almost no sense."

"Sounds interesting"

"Please?"

"Where's Blondie?"

"Working on the cars"

"Eddie?"

"Playing the piano."

"Alice."

"Shopping with Nessie."

"So I really am the last resort."

"Yeah. One can only annoy Eddie for so long."

"Between me, you and Bella, I think he's in an almost constant state of annoyance"

"Thats how it should be. Now play!"

"Okay, okay. Lets set up. What piece do you want"

"I want Bill the power saw."

"Bill the power saw? Wow, this really is Bella-fied."

"Yeah. You can have Ronald the exploding refrigerator."

"I remember him. It's so sad that he's gone"

"I know."

"What space did you land on? It looks special."

"You spontaneously combusted. Go back to start."

"Looks like I landed on something too."

"You now have a imaginary flamethrower."

"What does it do?"

"Nothing."

"Great"

"Hey look! I won!."

"WHAT!?"

"You're awfully competitive. I took the super-secret passageway from the angry dragons lair to the fortress of Queen Bella!"

"I don't see a passageway"

"That's because it's imaginary."

"You can make up passageways?"

"Yeah. It's in the rule book and everything."

"Let me see this rule book…any player using Bill the power saw may make up secret passageways at random?"

"Yeah"

"I'm going to go have a talk with Bella about cheating."

"When you live with an empath, a psychic and a mind-reader, cheating becomes second nature."

"Still."

-_Jake storms out of the room to go interrupt Bella's chess game.-_

**A/N: Some back-story for this chapter. Last summer my friend made a board game, and he convinced me to play it with him. He won in the 1st 10 minutes because he had a teloportation device. I thought I'd make Jacob feel my pain.**


	4. Chess with Jasper

_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Candyland or chess. _

**A/N: Another chapter! You all should be proud of me. Also, I read My Immortal, and I decided that whatever I wrote couldn't possibly be that bad. Also 103 hits and 1 review :(. **

**Chapter 4**

_Bella and Jasper are laying on the living room floor, both staring intently at a chessboard_

"What the hell, Bells!

"It always works"

"What always works?"

"My chess strategy"

"But you don't have a strategy!"

"That's the point. Check!"

"Why do you keep winning when you move basically randomly?"

"Keep asking yourself that. Hey, there's Jake."

"Hi, dogboy"

_Jake _"Hey leech"

"What are you interrupting my very important game of chess for?"

_Jake _"I was going to confront Bella about her diabolical Candyland game, but I think I'll just watch you guys instead."

"I don't appreciate an audience"

_Jake _"You just say because you're losing to someone 200 years younger than you"

_Bella _"And not nearly as much military experience."

"Hmph"

"Did Emmett make you play Candyland?"

"Yeah. I'm scarred for life"

"Checkmate!"

"Dammit, Bella."

_Jake "_How do you do it, Bella"

"Do what?"

_Jake _"Beat the 200-year old strategist at chess"

"I follow my instincts."

_Jake _"I'm a wolf. Shouldn't that mean that my instincts would be better than yours?"

"You have the wrong instincts, my dear wolfie. How many times have you lost to Jasper/"

"72."

_Jake_ "Wow, Jasper. You just had to tell her."

"My ego needs boosting."

"I'm sorry that I crushed it, brother dearest."

"You better be."

"Now, who's up for a game of Candyland?"


	5. Sparkles

_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight_

**A/N: Writing fan fiction while doing schoolwork isn't good. I do it anyway. Review please!**

**Chapter 5**

_Jake walks into Bella and Edward's bedroom, where Bella is listening to music. _

"Hey, Bells"

"Hi Jake"

"Do you know where Edward is?"

"No, why?"

"I wanted to ask him a question"

"Ask away"

"Okay, so I was in biology today, and the teacher was talking about how every cell has a purpose…"

"And?"

"I was wondering what the purpose of sparkling was?"

"It's supposed to draw in prey."

"It is?"

"Yeah"

"Why would people like sparkles"

"They're pretty"

"That's all you have to say?"

"Yep. Edward tried to explain it to me one day. I call it his 'Magpie Theorem'"

"What did he say?"

"Something about people starting to wonder why we sparkle while we're hunting them, and then not noticing when we start to suck their blood"

"Huh."

"It goes along with dazzling"

"Whats dazzling?"

"Look into my eyes"

"What was that?"

"Hunting mechanism"

"Vampires are weird"

"My theory is that God went a little overboard with the glitter-glue"

"How…non-religious of you"

"As you can imagine, Edward didn't like that very much."

"Yeah, Mr. 1900's gentleman wouldn't like something that crass"

"I refuse to believe that something is crass if kindergardeners do it."

"I'm not sure about that."

"There's even evidence."

"Really?"

"What do you think the stars are made of?"

"Flaming hydrogen and helium?"

"You're no fun"

"I have my own theory of sparkling."

"What is it?"

"Spite."

"Spite?"

"Yeah. Someone really didn't like vampires, and decided to make them ridiculously sparkly"

"Sparkles aren't so bad."

"Yes they are. How can you be manly if you sparkle?"

"Sparkling does not detract manliness!?"

"Yes it does. Just look at Emmett."

"I don't think Emmett has any manliness left to be taken away."

"You do have a point"

"Do you have you're answer?"

"Yeah. I now know what to write my biology paper about."

"I'm sure you're teacher will love you're report on mythical creatures and why they sparkle"

"Me too."

_Jacob walks happily out of the room, and Bella puts her headphones back on, muttering something about 'sarcasm'_

**A/N: I always wondered why SM's vampire's sparkled. My theory is the glitter-glue theory, while my friend's was spite**


	6. The closet

_Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I own nothing._

**A/N: WHOOOO! 3 reviews! Thanks to jessa76 for reading again. Memelovessomeemmet - That sounds hilarious. I'll add it to my ideas list :) **

**Chapter 6. **

_Bella walks into the living room, where Jacob is watching the football game, and turns off the T.V._

"Hey! What was that for?"

"Football is immoral. All these poor people who will get irreversible head injuries and loose many brain cells and then not have lives after they're too old for football"

"Wow. Pessimistic much?"

"I actually just wanted to talk to someone."

"Why?"

"I think I have PTSD"

"Okay, okay. I'll play therapist. What traumatic events have happened in your life? Was it the changing into an undead bloodsucker? Or the leader of said bloodsuckers wanting to collect you for his guard?"

"No. Shopping with Alice and Nessie"

"Nessie too?"

"Yeah. You thought Alice was bad, but both of them together… I swear they had me try on every outfit in the whole mall. I feel like a doll or something."

"There's a reason they call it Bella Barbie time, you know."

"I've realized."

"Where is Nessie now?"

"Why? Sick of me already?"

"Just wondering"

"She's color-coding the closet."

"_The_ closet?"

"Rose and I have decided that we really don't give a shit, and now there is one room-sized closet for everyone's clothes. You should really know this, because your clothes are in there too"

"Oh. I thought that they just appeared every morning."

"Like a clothes fairy or something?"

"Yeah."

"I guess Alice is a clothes fairy of sorts. I mean, no one here besides her and Nessie actually pick out their clothes."

"I miss jeans and T-shirts."

"I think it might be one of Alice's plans. If you don't know where the closet is, you can't possibly pick out your own clothes."

"Maybe…so where is this closet?"

"I have no idea"

"They kept you in the dark too?"

"No. I can't find anything in this house. I have to just keep opening doors until I find the right room."

"Really? I never noticed."

"Why do you think my room has a sign on it?"

"I thought it was an artistic decision."

"Nope"

"…So, should we find the closet?"

"I think you should."

"You won't be joining me?"

"I have a fear of high heels"

"But you wear them every day!"

"I also have a fear of gong against Alice"

"Okay then…I'm off to the closet!"

_Jake leaves and Bella picks up a worn copy of Wuthering Heights from the side table _

**A/N: Now for an explanation of the weirder parts of this chapter. My mum turned our cable off because she said that football was immoral. I don't like football, but it still felt wrong. **


	7. Mission: T-shirts

**A/N: Sorry for not updating earlier. I was super tired this morning, and I have loads of homework tonight. Thank you so much to jessa76, who has reviewed ever chapter! This chapter is for memelovesomeemmett for their great idea. **

"Emmett"

"Yes, Jake?"

"I found the closet"

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Why are you whispering?"

"Because I need your help for a secret mission"

"Ooh! I like secret missions. What kind of mission?"

"A search and rescue mission… for my T shirts and pants."

"Why do your t shirts need rescuing?"

"Because the future-seeing demon pixie knew that I was going to try to find them, so she put them somewhere"

"What makes you think that you can find them if Alice hid them?"

"I have to try… these clothes aren't that great for phasing."

"I see."

"The elders don't really appreciate me going without pants because I don't know how to put them on."

"So what's your plan?"

"You use your vampire senses to find the shirts"

"That's it? No outfits or sneaking or code names?"

"I suppose you can have a code name if you really want one"

"That's great! I'll go get the walkie talkies!"

"Back already?"

"Sorry I took so long. They were hidden in Bella's room"

"I'm not even going to ask. What are the code names?"

"I'm Grizzly and you're Wolverine"

"You weren't even creative enough to make up a code name?"

"Unfortunately, my creativity is not endless"

"But your stupidity is.."

**SLAP**

"Ow! That shit hurts"

"A werwolf in human form is almost as easy to hurt as a human"

"Remind me not to annoy you again"

"Gladly"

"Now…lets get started"

"What's the plan?"

"You will go scout out the closet area while I stand guard"

"Lets go"

_-Emmett and Jacob head up to the closet-_

••Wolveraine, do you copy?***

**I guess**

**You're not being very professional about this**

**It's really just me looking for my clothes**

**I don't care**

**What were you trying to say in the first place?**

**I have a lead**

**Where?**

**Secret compartment. Over here**

**Great…Oh fuck**

**What?**

**Demon pixie's home early from Paris**

**Hide, quick!**

_Alice _"Je sais que vous êtes là, petit loup-garou."

"I better make my run for it"

_Alice _"Vous aussi, Emmett"

"Quick! Barricade the door!"

_Alice is left pounding on the closet door, while Emmett is pressed up against it to stop her from knocking it down_

**A/N: Cliffhanger! The joke possibilities astound me, but I don't have enough creativity to write them tonight. Like Emmett, my creativity is limited. **

**French translation: I know you're in there, little werewolf + You, too Emmett. I apologize for grammatical errors, as I am in French 1**


	8. Coming out

**A/N: Hehehe…bad closet jokes time! There is no offense meant to anyone. Thanks to jessa76 and jessica314 for reviewing. Jessica, i'll try not to swear so much :). Hope you like it!**

"Alice?"

"Yes, Bella?"

"Who are you talking to?"

"Jacob and Emmett"

"Why?"

"I'm trying to convince then to come out of the closet"

"Why won't they?"

"I think that they're scared of me."

"Why? You're a very accepting person."

"They're in a _literal_ closet. Though they have been spending a lot of time together lately…."

"I agree. There's something going on"

"But more importantly, they won't let me in the closet with all of my shopping from Paris"

"Oh, what a tragedy!"

"I don't think you're taking this seriously enough"

"You don't need any of this stuff, anyway. You have enough clothes to dress an army"

"You doubt the importance of clothes?"

"Yes."

"I think more shopping is in order"

"`…I think I just realized their importance"

"Then you'll be happy to go shopping with me?"

"Hmph"

"Ha!"

"Why are Jake and Emmett in the closet anyway"

"They want to find their clothes".

"Why?"

"They want to wear _T-Shirts. _And _plain jeans!"_

"Hey! I like T-shirts!"

"Still. I stopped you wearing yours the minute you married my brother"

"Yeah"

"I'm starting to question their sanity, though."

"Again?"

"They think I kept Jake's old clothes"

"You didn't?"

"Of course not. I donated them to the homeless shelter."

"You didn't burn them? What a shame!"

"Burn them?"

"You should never pass up an opportunity for a good fire."

_Edward _"What are you guys doing?"

"Trying to figure out how to get Jacob and Emmett to come out of the closet"

_Edward _"Huh. I always thought it was Emmett and Jasper…" _Edward walks away_

_Jasper _"I'm offended! I have much better taste than Emmett."

"I'm offended too"

"Why?"

"Your husband thought my husband would leave me for Rose's husband."

"Not to mention that now he thinks that Rose's husband will leave her for Nessie's future husband"

"I know."

"Got any ideas for how to get them out of there?"

"No. I think it's time to call In the big guns"

"What?"

"Esme?"

_Esme _"Yes, dear?"

"Can you help us get Jake and Emmet to come out of the closet?"

_Esme _"Tell them that we're a very accepting and welcoming family."

_Alice and Bella start laughing hysterically. Jake and Emmett slowly crack open the door, only to make them both laugh harder._

_Jake_ "We're never going to live this down, are we?"

_Emmett _"Unfortunately, you're right"


	9. Halloween candy

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing**_

**A/N: Sorry I didn't update yesterday. I was skiing with my family. But 3 hrs in the car = another chapter :) thank you to my good reviewers + you should read Jessica314's story hunter. It was great. **

"Edward?"

"Yes, Bella ?"

"I need your help."

"With what?"

"I need you to bail us out of jail."

"Again?"

"Yep."

"What's the charge?"

"Public nuisance"

"What happened?"

"Well, you know how it's Halloween?"

"Yeah, I remember. You tried to make me dress up as a vampire."

"Hey, it was a good costume. Very ironic."

'On with the story…"

"Well, me, Emmett and Jake decided to take Nessie trick or treating…"

"It's always you three, isn't it."

"I resent that!"

"Well it is."

"Anyway, Carlisle and Jasper decided to come along so that we wouldn't do anything stupid"

"And that worked out so well…"

"Stop interrupting!"

"Okay, okay. Continue."

"And then the whole pack felt the need to come."

"Why?"

"They wanted free candy"

"Oh…"

"So the first part worked out fine. We took Nessie around the neighborhood for a couple hours and then we went to the park to deal with the candy."

"Why the park?"

"Well, we didn't really want to bring a whole bunch of wolves into Esme's perfectly clean house, and they didn't want to go to any of their houses because they insist that it would smell like leech for a couple of weeks…"

"So you 'logically decided' that a public park would be the smartest option?"

"Basically… So when we got there, Ness decided that she would divide all the candy evenly."

'What does that have to do with anything"

"Well…there was a lot of candy."

"And so?"

"You underestimate the power of the wolf-pack on sugar."

"I do?"

"Yeah. They're like cats on crack. It's _bad._"

"I think I get the picture. But you are four vampires and should be perfectly able to restrain a bunch of wolves in human form."

"Well, the emotions were so strong they started getting to Jasper…"

"That does pose a problem"

"Yeah… but it was all good until Jasper started projecting."

"Ahh…"

"Yeah. And then some spectator called the police"

"I'm imaging that right now."

"You don't need to. I have a video."

_Emmett "_Which she will not be showing to anyone"

"Wait a second…how come this video isn't incriminating to you to?"

"I had my sheildy-thing up."

_Emmett _"But she couldn't be bothered to shield us."

"It was just too funny. I needed it as blackmail material"

"I need to see this video."

"Before you see it, you have to pick us up"

"Okay…I'll get Esme"

"And when you come, bring clothes, O.K.?"

"I don't even want to know."


	10. Discipline

**A/N: I feel bad for not updating, but I have no excuses. I just wasn't in a funny mood :( Anyway, this chapter's not my best work, but I felt the need to post something. Mama Esme punishes the delinquents! As always, I own nothing. If I did, I'd be famous.**

_Esme pulls into the driveway with all the delinquents piled into her car._

"We're home."

_Bella _"Great! Let's go!"

"No. You are staying here, young lady! In fact all of you are."

_Bella _"Really?"

"Yes."

_Carlisle _"Even me?"

"Yes."

_Carlisle _"Can't I make it up to you later?"

"No. And stop winking."

_ Carlisle _"Hmph"

"Okay. Almost all of you are adults, and should be capable of making responsible decisions."

_Jasper _"You're making it sound as if we can't."

"Responsible discussions don't land you in jail."

_Jasper _"Right."

"Okay. Now, I've been thinking about punishments… and I think I've found something."

_Emmett _"Please not like last time. Please not like last time"

"It's been almost a year since the house has been redecorated, and I think it's time for a change."

_Bella _"What does this have to do with us?"

"You all are going to redecorate it for me."

_Jake _"What?"

"You are going to carry all the furniture out, clean everything, repaint, reinstall flooring, bring in new furniture and basically anything else that I want you to do."

_Emmett _"NOOOOO!"

_Seth _"Not cleaning!"

_Jake _"What the hell?"

_Jasper _"No way am I painting"

_Bella _"The house looks perfecting fine"

_Nessie _"But I'm just a kid!"

_Leah _"You're not my mother!"

"Shut the hell up!"

_-All is quiet.-_

"Good. You're cleaning whether you like it or not."

_Bella _"Can I at least wear my sexy french maid costume?"

"Why do you have a sexy french maid costume?"

_Bella _"Edward likes it. Reminds him of his youth. Besides, I've seen your naughty nurse costumes…You are not allowed to comment."

"You may not wear the costume. This is serious business!"

_Emmett _"Awww…Mum. Lighten up."

"I would be a lot happier if I hadn't had to bail half the family out of jail."

_Carlisle _"It wasn't that big a deal. Emmett and Jasper get put in jail about every five years."

"But two twenty year old men is a lot less conspicuous then two teenage girls, one girl who looks 10, one 25 year old man, and more teenage boys than I can count."

_Bella _"Still."

"They got punished too. No x-box, no sex and no books for a week"

_Emmett _"It was cruel. Cruel and unusual punishment is unlawful, you know."

"Since when have we followed the laws?"

_Emmett _"Good point."

"All of the 'good' children may go hunt. The rest of you are staying here and redecorating."

_Emmett _"Can I paint my room neon orange?"

"No. Get to work."

_Emmett _"What about lime green?"

"If you do, you've got Rose to deal with."

_Emmett _"Oh right…"

"Now WORK!"

_They all file into the house, where there are cleaning supplies, paint cans and brushes waiting for them _


	11. Kittens

**A/N: FF is SUPER annoying. So is my cat. It wouldn't let me post last night. Thanks for reviewing :)**

_Jake walks into the living room carrying something small and furry._

"What is that?"

"Do you like him? I got him at the pet store."

"You didn't answer my question."

"It's my new kitten. I'm going to name it either Jacob Jr. or Eddie Jr."

"You got a kitten?"

"Yeah…you got a problem with that?"

"No, It just seems like an odd choice."

"Why?"

"Aren't werewolves suposed to hate cats?"

"Well, but vamps are like the non-furry mythological equivalent of cats, I thought maybe you'd like him more.'

"But why an animal in the first place?"

"You underestimate how hard it is to be the only furry thing in a house full of bloodsuckers!"

"Hey!"

"Sorry. I'm working on reforming my language. Would you prefer 'Oh great and powerful bloodsucking one'?"

"Yes."

"Okay then."

"You do realize that all small animals are terrified of us, right?"

"He's not terrified of you!"

"_Hissssssss"_

"Yes he is. Besides, one of us is going to murder him eventually."

"You don't kill me!"

"You matter too much to Nessie."

"I'll protect Eddie IV from all the big bad vampires"

"So you decided on a name"

'Yeah. Edward Jacob IV"

"IV? There aren't 4 other Edward Jacobs"

"There are somewhere. Besides, then I can call him Four."

"What kind of name is Four?"

"Well, It's better than calling him Eddie or Jake…"

"You could have just named it something original…"

"But this will annoy Eddie so much more."

"I'm not sure he deserves all the annoyance we give him"

_Jasper _"Yes he does. What is Jake holding?"

"He bought himself a kitten"

"In a house full of vampires?"

"Yep."

"I say two weeks before someone snaps."

"I say one"

"You're on. No biting."

"Did you two just bet on the lifespan of my kitten?"

"Yes."

"That't terrible!"

"We all know someone's gonna kill it prematurely."

"But you guys are around tasty humans all day!"

'No one's gonna kill it out of thirst…someone's gonna kill it out of annoyance"

"I'm sure that there are much more annoying humans than Eddie!"

"But we're not allowed to kill them."

"Don't you care about him at all?"

"Does a shark care about a plankton?"

"No…"

"That's how much farther up on the food chain I am then a kitten"

"You all seem so nice, too.'

"Don't be fooled by appearances. Everyone here exempt Esme has a sadistic side"

"Even Carlisle?"

"Yeah…Remember he served on the Volturi guard?"

"Oh. Right."

"He may respect human life, but even he will pounce on a cat without a second glance."

"Mew"

"Look. You're scaring him"

"I don't really care. I am a predator"

"I'm taking him to my room"


	12. Kittens part II

**A/N: Sorry for the wait. I usually won't update on the weekends :) Oh, and it was Bella that Jake was talking to last chapter**

_ rushes in hurriedly, sobbing to Bella _

"She killed it!"

"Killed what?"

"My kitten!"

"Oh yeah…the kitten"

"His life was ended to soon…he didn't have the chance to fully appreciate everything the world has to offer"

"Sure it has…5 days is a lot in kitten time"

"No it's not"

"Yeah…Hey! I won the bet!"

"This is a time of mourning, not of celebration!'

"But Jasper owes me a favor! It's a time to celebrate!"

"Why's that so great?"

"You can get him to screw with everyone's emotions…Just think of the pranks!"

"Now is not the time to be thinking about pranks. Remember the kitten!"

"Okay, okay. If we must."

"As his primary caretaker, I will share about him"

"Are we really going through a fake funeral on a couch for a kitten that you knew for 5 days?"

"Yes. Now be quiet. Edward Jacob VI was a good kitten, as kittens go. He was warm and furry, and a constant annoyance to the bloodsucking members of the household."

"Hey!"

"Shhh…he met his untimely and unfortunate end at the hands of a female vampire with a vacuum cleaner."

"You forgot the bit about what made Esme snap."

"I was choosing to forget about that part."

"Well, I think she was perfectly justified. That kitten destroyed one couch, one channeler and two priceless antique vases…"

"It wasn't his fault!"

"…And you know how Esme is about her furniture."

"He didn't know any better!"

"And how does that justify his actions?"

"It does."

"So if I killed someone…and I didn't know any better would that be an excuse?"

"That's different!"

"I think that Esme likes furniture more than she likes people."

"Certainly more than kittens."

"So…Is this memorial service done?"

"No. You must pay your respects to the dead."

"I've already told you. I don't care about the kitten"

"You must!"

"Do I have to get Jasper in here?"

"Jasper? Why?"

"Both he and Edward are certified therapists"

"I don't need a therapist!"

"Then why are you so upset over a kitten that you knew for five days?"

"Because it represents your disrespect for all things furry…"

"Yeah…I did appreciate the way it was killed, though."

"It was cruel!"

"I do love a good fire…and the fact that the kitten was being burned only made it better."

"What did Eddie ever do to you?"

"He walked with muddy paws on my homework, he knocked all my stuff off my dresser, he tore up my sheets…the list goes on and on"

"You're not being respectful enough. I'm going to find Seth."

"Good for you."

_Jake stalks out of the room, to go phase in the woods_


	13. Let's Go to the Mall

**Okay, you lot. Sorry for the wait, but Kitty is back! Rejoice! I'll try to update around twice a week, but I update as I go, so no promises, Enjoy. **

Chapter 13

Bella, Alice, Nessie and Jacob are at the mall.

_Bella _"Alice, this is our 14th store. Can we please go home now?"

_Alice_ "No. We still haven't found a new pair of boots for you."

"But I don't want a new pair of boots!"

"You are getting one anyway. None of your shoes go with that new dress we bought."

"I didn't want that dress either. You made me get it."

"It was so cute! You just need to wear some higher heels to make your legs look longer."

"I Don't Wear Heels, Alice"

"Bella, you have perfect balance now. You can't keep this irrational fear of heels going. It's unhealthy!"

'No it is not. I can wear nothing with a heel above three inches for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy."

"Bella… You are part of the family now. That means I control your clothes. You will wear the heels I buy you and be happy about it."

"You sound like some kind of evil dictator."

"It is not evil. It is clothes. Clothes are happiness. Nessie agrees with me, right?"

_Nessie_ "Sorry Aunt Alice. Mum just doesn't get the importance of dressing fashionably. That's why we make her come shopping with us."

"It sounds suspiciously like you started a cult, Alice. And I disapprove of cults. Especially cults that my daughter is apparently part of."

"It is in no way a cult!"

"Yes it is."

"No it's not!"

_Jake_ "Hey! What about me?"

_Alice_ "What about you?"

"I have to carry all your stuff. "

"Are you complaining?"

"Er…no? Just you lot have vampire strength. You should be able to carry this stuff for yourselves."

_Bella_ "Don't try to get out of it, Jake. Alice always brings a token bag carrier. Last week it was Jasper."

"You guys couldn't even carry one bag?"

_Alice_ "Nope. Now. Into the shoe store with you. We are buying these shoes."

"NOOOOOO…"


	14. BeDazzled

**WHOOO! ****New****chapter! On ****time! It's not that great, cause school is really hard :( I don't own Twilight. **

Chapter 14

_Bella is spinning around in the sun outside of the Cullen house._

_Edward_ "Bella, what are you doing?"

_Bella_ "Look, Eddie! I sparkle!"

"Yes, love. We all do."

"No, not like that. Though I am very sparkly. No, no. Alice just BeDazzled my jeans. Are not they beautiful?"

"They're very pretty."

"You don't sound very enthusiastic."

"No! I love them. Really."

"You don't like them!"

"Erm…..Well…They are a little immature…"

"Jeez, Eddie. You obviously don't understand the amazingness that is bedazzling."

"No, I don't think I do."

"Just for that, I will have to BeDazzle all of your clothes. Then you will have to appreciate them "

"No, no, Bella. Please don't."

"You have brought this upon yourself."

"Look. You don't like heels, I don't like little plastic rhinestone-y things."

"Not the same. I have PTSD"

"From what?"

"From being a clumsy human. It traumatized me for my immortal life."

"Bella. Be reasonable. My clothes would look awful with sparkles,"

"I will bedazzle them artfully."

"There is no such thing as artful bedazzling."

"Prepare to be surprised."

"No. I don't want to be surprised. I want no rhinestones to touch my clothes."

"If it makes you feel better, I'll do Jake's too."

"Why would that make me feel better?"

"I dunno. You guys could commiserate or something."

"Look. If it makes you feel better, you can BeDazzle one oufit. One."

"Whoo! Alice, come. To the closet!"

_The next morning Edward finds all his clothes cored and rhinestones, and does not go to school, citing trauma. _


	15. The Pink Jeep

**_Sorry for _****_the_********_wait: crazy week at _****_school :). I don't own Twilight. If I did, I wouldn't write fan fiction because I could write actual books_**

_Edward walks into the garage._

"Jacob? What are you doing?"

'What does it look like I'm doing?"

"Painting Emmett's car, but you cannot possibly be stupid enough to be doing that."

"Shhh. This is the only time I could possibly get away with it. Carlisle and Esme are away, Emmett and Rosalie are, erm, engaged in romantic liaisons, Alice and Jasper are at the mall and you were supposed to be having a family bonding day with Bella and Nessie."

"It ended early. Bella and Nessie were kicked out."

"You can get kicked out of Disneyworld?"

"They were trying to start a riot about the unethical treatment of animals in Disney movies."

"You guys eat animals all the time!"

"Apparently we don't eat the cute ones."

"Really?"

"I didn't get the memo. Anyway, why are you painting the Jeep pink?"

"It's to get Emmet back for last month when he replaced my bed with a dog bed."

"He did that?"

"Unfortunately."

"Did he get pictures?"

"Shut up."

"Anyway, he'll know it was you."

"It's all in good fun."

"Emmett really can't take a joke about his car. Or Rosalie."

"I take it you know this from experience?"

"You do not wan't to know what happened to Bella's first car."

"I care about my bed. A lot. The new one's just not the same."

"Wait a minute…are you still sleeping in the dog bed?"

"Maybe…"

"That's hilarious! Why didn't you just go get a new one."

"I've got no idea where you get a bed!"

_Emmett burst into the garage._

_Emmett _"DOG BOY! What have you done to my car!"

_"_Sorry, Eddie. Maybe you were right."

"You're all on your own here buddy."


End file.
